The Lord is mindful of us!

     Today was not exceptionally busy.  However, I did have enough kiddos to keep me busy and exhausted at the end of the day.  I can truly say I LOVE my job.  As daunting  as it seems to some people, I really love it.  I hear people all the time say, "Well, I just don't know how she does it!" and "I could never do anything like that!" and "Oh you must have the patience of a saint!".  When people say this to me, I just laugh it off and usually mutter "whatever".  I love all the people I have gotten to know in the last 9 years and I will probably love anyone else that comes into my life in the next 80 years.   I do say that some days are better than others for children.  Working with many kinds of children from infants (newborn) up to 12 or 13 year olds, children with behavior disorders, children with disabilities and anyone in-between those "status's" has taught me so much.  The references people give me make me wonder what they're smoking. :P  I am not here to have people say nice things about (although it doesn't hurt), I am here because my Lord and Savior has put me here for a reason.  There is some reason I am still functional (cuz I be sick I guess) enough to be with these children.

     As I receive blessings, whether it be for comfort, or a calling or a healing blessing it ALWAYS says how mindful the Lord is of me and that all the children I come in contact with are here for a very specific reason.  Then I get chastised for not reading the scriptures as I should, BUT the blessing always ends with "The Lord loves you".  Sometimes I ask for a blessing just to know that I am loved.  I do know that every little thing that has happened to my family in the last 2 years has been for a reason.  I was slightly an in-active person just coasting along on everyone else's testimonies. I was working all the time and then exhausted on Sunday to get up and do anything other than sleep, so that's what I did.  Then, I was given a calling in church to be a Relief Society teacher, which was one week a month.  I HATED that calling.  I literally despised that.  I am a child person.  I feel so out of place and uncomfortable in front of adults that I pretty much have an anxiety attack.  I was always trying to get out of the calling and wished I would be released. 

     Then we had some interesting and somewhat very devastating news to our family.  This would change the course of everything.  It was something that I don't agree with and still have a hard time with to this day.  I remember having to give a lesson on Temple Marriage right after we received the news.  That was the most difficult lesson I ever gave.  I cried in front people, and only 2 people knew why I was blubbering.. over a temple marriage lesson no less.  It was then, that I decided to make my calling what it was suppose to be.  Luckily, I was soon released and put in to the Primary Presidency.  THAT calling there changed my outlook on what I was actually doing at church.  Where I was once a person that went once or twice a month or only when I HAD to, I then, was an important part of something.  I was needed.  We also went from sitting in the foyer because we were consistently late to being a couple minutes early to church so that we could get a bench in the Chapel.  We not only had the previous news, but we had a funeral that year, then the hubby had to change his degree with only 2 semesters left, I began working outrageous hours again, and I had some friends decide not to be friends anymore, we then had a commuter car break down and a horrible terrible no good "replacement" vehicle that left me stranded everywhere I went with childcare kids in it each time, we also had a pretty devastating summer with barely any income coming in.  We successfully made it thru December 2011 and all of 2012 with very little intact. 

     During this time, I  had only a few select people help me through this tough time.  To them, I am ever so grateful!!  I know that the Lord put them in the right place at the right time specifically for me.  HE IS MINDFUL OF ME!  I was to the point that every post I made on Facebook was a depressing one or an angry one.  I decided I needed to change.  Whatever was going on with me needed to change.  I was DONE being sorry for myself and for my circumstances.  I was taught a valuable lesson by my mother that I will not forget.  She decided that she was going to be happy.  What had happened was not her fault, and she had no control over it.  She was doing very well...  I was actually quite jealous of her for handling everything so well. 

     I had the opportunity to do a service project for a family in our ward.  A family that had their own devastating news.  I was so happy to help them and wouldn't change anything that has happened since then.  I know this family is grateful for what we did, and what we will do in the future.  The Lord knew then what I needed.  He knew that I was ready to learn and grow at that very moment.  I am sorry this family is having to deal with this trial, but I know that the Lord is mindful of them as well.  I am here and willing to help any way I can.  I only did what I thought was necessary and what I would want someone to do for me if ever needed.  I am hoping that I would never need it, but, you never know!  I know that serving others has helped me immensely.  I have been so blessed because of it.  I do know things could be a lot worse than they are.  My testimony, over the last 2 years has grown leaps and bounds.  I know that families are forever.  I know the Savior died for me.  I do know that.  I am eternally grateful and indebted to him.  I am comforted by the fact that I know He is mindful of me... lil 'ol me.  I love each of the children I care for, and I am forever grateful for my own children.  I thank Heavenly Father everyday for them, and my trials.  I am thankful for friends in the right place and the right time- even if it is "just cuz they cant get their butt off FB".  Thank you for being there this whole time!  You will never know how much those moments meant to me, and she may never read this blog post, but, I am very grateful to you!  I am only hoping I can repay this person.

     I am grateful for all of my friends and family that have also helped our family when we needed it.  It sure has been an interesting couple years, and I am hoping for things to calm down and be more of a "normal" now.  We shall see! 

Am I a Super?!?

As I sit here, I can barely move.  Sometimes I really think its in my head, but then I move my pinky toe and I find out it isn't.  I just want someone to swoop in here and make everything the way it use to be.  I use to be super-mom/wife/childcare provider/friend.  As I am contemplating my evening plans, I will be going to bed.  Probably as soon as all the kids leave to go home.  I hope I can muster enough energy to make the kids dinner, which, if we had any, I would totally make them make their own leftovers.  As it is, we don't have any leftovers or really anything else to make unless I actually pull out a pan and make dinner.  We have a couple cans of tuna and some p.b. and j.  That might actually be for dinner, now that I think about it.  Every muscle in my body is screaming at me today.  Muscles that don't usually hurt are really telling me to stop whatever I am doing and do not move.  This has got to be the most frustrating thing I have to deal with.  The mind is willing but the body is not.  I have a list a mile long of things that need to be done: grocery shopping, school shopping, supplies shopping for daycare (a lot of shopping), then there is the laundry, dishes, mopping, sweeping, carpet cleaning, garage cleaning, pulling out a tree and 2 bushes, all my motherly duties, church duties <--luckily they aren't to difficult, cleaning out the car, taking the plastic bags collection from the rummage sale to be recycled, oh and the toy room that I began re-painting almost a year ago STILL needs finished, then there is dinner to made and my working all day on top of it all.  My brain is continually wanting and needing to get these things done, but any of it is yet to be fulfilled.  I remember 2 years ago if I wanted to do something, I would just do it.  I wouldn't have to wait for anyone to help me or do it for me.  In a way I feel absolutely worthless to people and today I feel completely incapable of doing anything functional.  I do not know how to over-come the weakness that have overcome me.  I feel lazy, however, lazy is NOT my problem.  The problem lays in the fact that moving is not an option. There are good days and there are bad days.  I have not known a good a day for over a week now, more like two weeks.  I am hoping that my children will not think I am a terrible mother for not caring for them the way I think they should be cared for.  I want to be the kind of mother that my kids will remember all the fun times we had together not the kind of mom that was a lousy mom.  Anymore I am the mom that sleeps the whole time she isn't working, and the kind of mom that doesn't want to take the kids to the park anymore because we would have to leave the house and walk outside and exert more energy I have.  I want them to love their childhood and be grateful for the lessons they learned before mom got sick.  I am forever grateful for Allyson and the responsibilities she has taken on.  She is truly a special child and I could not live without her.  She takes such good care of her sister, without even knowing it sometimes.  Getting her breakfast, making her a snack or lunch.  She is a talented child!!  There is a reason for all trials and I sure hope I can find the reason for this one.  I want to be able to be independent again and not rely on everyone else for the regular day to day things.  I want to be super-mom/wife/childcare provider/friend again.

The "back story"!

As I am thinking about the last few years, well, since EmmaLei has been born, it has been an interesting journey.  I was sick before I got pregnant with her, during pregnancy and after.  I thought the nausea and vomiting would end after pregnancy, but it didn't.  Everything that has happened to my body I can date back to around that time.  I love that little girl with all my heart!  I would not EVER trade perfect health for her.  As much as I am in pain right now, I know she was made for this family, for me.  I have had a lot of time to think about things recently, due to the fact that I cant move very well.  I went Gluten free about 3 years ago.  At the time I went gluten free I was on a lot of Prescription Meds.  Depakote, Zoloft, Thyroid Medication, Acid reducer, plus Tums to follow that up.  There was also all the pain medication and nausea medication I was taking on a regular basic.  Phenergan was a common med I was taking to keep food down. Even after I was not pregnant I was vomiting on a regular basis...and to that I didn't know why until I went Gluten Free.  I was also taking Benadryl and Melatonin every night to help me sleep along with Tylenol and Advil.  As I am looking back on this, I am VERY surprised I had not overdosed or mixed to many meds together for a deathly fate.  once I went G.F. within a couple months I was able to go off ALL my medications.  The medications I was on were treating me for an illness called Cyclothymia. For those of you that don't know what this illness is, it is a form of Bi-polar.  Its instead of the low lows and high highs that are days or months long, it is the quick mood changes within seconds or minutes.  The Depakote and Zoloft were mood stabilizers.  I was maxed out on both meds.  If I forgot to take meds, it was a disaster of a day.  When I cut gluten out of my diet, I not only found out I was allergic to it, but it effected every aspect of my life.  All my migraines, muscle pains, joint pain, back pain, stomach pain, vomiting, sleep patterns and lack of sleep and my mood was all effected by gluten.  All of it.  I was so excited to find out how well I was doing without eating gluten.  It was terribly difficult to figure out what I could and couldn't eat, and the dining out had to be halted sadly.  Since  EmmaLei was born, I have also found out that I have arthritis and degenerative discs in my back.   I also have arthritis in my knees.  I was almost pain free after I went Gluten free.  I was no longer on any pain meds either prescription or OTC.  I wasn't needing acid reducer or any aid to sleep.  the transformation  my body took was amazing.  there was also the small benefit of losing weight added to the side effects of going gluten free.  I had not felt so good in so long I didn't know what it was like anymore until I realized it was Gluten causing my ailments.  I really thought that my working all day everyday was causing all of my pain.  When, in fact, it only contributed to a minor part of it. 

There will be more, but for another day.  :)

This has been an interesting time trying to get this blog up!  Holy cow!!!  I think I have it almost figured out, however, pictures and videos and anything else technical will have to wait.  My tired eyes are on and I am ready for bed, but still working. 

Hopefully this will be something fun that I enjoy, and will continue this for  a while, maybe even therapeutic.  We shall see I guess.

Just trying this out right now. :D