Do I have my Happily Ever After?

     We had some friends over the other night, and they brought some "I love you more than..." books that they make for each other each year.  I thought it was pretty awesome!  As I was going about my day today, I had some sad news from the eye doctor today.  He basically told me that if I don't start letting my eyes take a break from my contacts more than a day or two every 3-6 months I will be BANNED from wearing my contacts for ever more!  OH MY GOODNESS!!!  That can NEVER happen.  EVER!  I love my contacts so much that I cannot live my life without them.  I had "the pink eye" last week, right after I put my LAST pair of contacts in.  So, my years supply of contacts lasted me since EmmaLei was one and half years old...she is now six and half.  Yes, I know this is bad for my eyes and blah blah blah.... I did what I had to.  Well, since "the pink eye" wasted my last pair of contacts, I decided I needed to visit the Eye Doctor whether I had the money or not.  The oh so dreaded eye doctor. 

     During my appointment, he lectured me.  Oh yes, the lecturing was great.  He told me that if I continued to do what I was doing I would be blind VERY soon.  I must take out my contacts every night... which, I probably still wont do, but I came up with a plan for me... which is better than what I have been doing and will eventually make it easier to do what I am suppose to do.  I will take my contacts out every week. I will leave them out for two days.  Friday, Saturday and then, just for church, I can wear my contacts again.  This is better than what I was doing. 

     I do have to get myself a new pair of glasses.  Luckily, I look ok with them.  I know, I know, I keep going on and on about my contacts and glasses and the visit, so, I will say this: 

     "We all search for happiness, and we all try to find our own "Happily ever after".  All you have to do is trust your Heavenly Father.  Trust Him enough to follow His plan." ~~Dieter F. Uchtdorf.

     I keep looking and trying to find my own happiness, but what if it is right in front of me... What if?  With the "I love you more than..." books we were shown, I realized... I love my husband more than... Hmmm, MORE THAN WHAT!!! 

     My husband read a book about love languages.  His is language/words and mine is service.  What we have learned though is this:  I don't need to hear that "I love you" all the time.  Maybe once a day or even a couple times a week and I'm good.  I serve people to show them that I love them.  My husband on the other hand, he needs the "I love you" every 20 minutes or round abouts that time.  I feel SO uncomfortable saying those 3 words to anyone.. my parents, siblings or even my spouse.  I DO NOT have a problem saying it a couple times a day to my kids.  I do, however serve them constantly.  I am always doing something for them.  I love them so much.  I'm not saying I don't love my husband, but he is "old" enough to know the difference of me serving him to say "I love you" or if I actually say it to him... or I should hope.   But anyway, I serve people to show them that I love them.  It might be me grabbing a soda for the Hubs while I'm out or fixing something of his or what ever he needs done I would do it for him, or making a special meal for him.

     Well, as I am looking and searching high and low for my "Happily ever After"... guess what: it IS right in front of me.  I have allowed myself recently to trust my Heavenly Father in HIS plan.  I am slowly, very slowly but surely coming around to the idea that I make what I have... whether its good or the bad.  I can CHOOSE how my attitude will be on the situations.  So, it hit me like a ton of bricks the other night that... "you know what, I can tell the hubs how I feel about him. "  it will be in my own way, but I will feel comfortable doing it.  It may seem silly, but today, I texted the hubs (the easiest form of communicating for me) today, while I was on my way to the Eye Doctor.  I was sitting at a light... so I wasn't texting and driving.  But, I went out of my way to send him "I love you more than wearing my contacts."  <3  We all know how much I love wearing my contacts. (Right?!)

     If I can keep up with the "good" words instead of the bad and mean words (other than game night, cuz we all know those don't count) then, I can have my happily ever after, and I will have trusted in Heavenly Father and know that I am to be where I am right now, with who I am with and experiencing what I am experiencing right now!  I am thankful that I am able to listen to the promptings of the Holy Ghost!  My life, and my families life will be ever blessed for the softening of my heart the last few years. 

     I do know that we need to trust Heavenly Father.  He knows what is best for us, when it is best for us, and how it will work out.  It is all a learning process, and we will, in the hereafter, see the Big Picture! 

Questions: Do I really get what I need and does God REALLY love Broken things?!?

     Why does Satan try so hard to tear a family a part?  A family is the most important thing we as humans encounter or have.  Most of us long for a family.  A family that is trying their hardest to survive all the adversities in life but still try to live a good life are targeted the most, in my opinion.  Those families that can be weakened by worldly things will always be weakened.  Worldly adversities to me are money, health, chores and addictions, etc.  The most fighting in our home comes from the days that I feel well enough to do something and I feel slammed with over a weeks worth of 3-4 people being slobs and all the business chores.  I am suppose to be calm and loving to these people?  YES! But, when I feel taken advantage of when I do these chores and the temper just vomits all over everyone around me without, what seems like, any control on my part.  Its so frustrating to be the bread winner, be sick and have to take care of all the family chores all the time.  It's not just overwhelming to a person, but this person begins to feel resentment.  Resentment for the people love most, and I don't like that feeling. 
     How do I change this?  I'm still wondering myself.  I have spoken with a few people about this.  I am a complete control freak and that is coupled with OCD and Fibro which comes with depression and anxiety and stress (which mainly comes from my job I love dearly) and stress from the previous mentioned things in the above paragraph. I also have a temper.  All of these things work against me on a daily basis. 
     I feel that maybe my childhood has a part to play in it, however I make my own choices.  I was criticized on a regular basis on how I looked.  How I was too fat, or not smart enough and how my hair was and my clothes fit and the things I said and who my friends were.  I wanted to be in the shadows of everyone.  Not very many people remember who I am, well, that I think.  I am ok with that. I don't want people to remember who I was 20 years ago anyways, because I am not that person. 
     I always try to remember this little quote from a friend of mine, and I hope she doesn't mind my using it here, Jolene Eborn whipped <---she is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!! This up after a talk at General Conference, but here it is: "...God loves broken things...".  If we are truly are wanting to change, then we will change.  Our Heavenly Father is right ready to forgive us for most things.  He gave His son for us and The Savior gave His life for our trials, our mistakes, our happiness all in hopes that we will return and live with them again. 
     I know I am not perfect, and far from it!  I make mistakes daily, but I try to be a better person daily.  I know I need to work on being less critical of people, and tell my husband and children that I love them on a regular basis.  I have made it a goal of mine this last week to do so!  This morning I failed.  I failed miserably.  This evening was better, and I hope to continue on with the goal. 

     There is a song I like to listen to when I feel down in the dumps, its sung by Colin Raye, named "What I need"

  Thought I knew all the answers; The way my life should go; And when I used to say my prayers;
I would tell God so; It seemed He wasn't listening; I thought He didn't care; But lookin' back;
It's plain to see; He was always there;

'Cause I prayed for strength
And I got pain that made me strong
I prayed for courage
And got fear to overcome
When I prayed for faith
My empty heart brought me to my knees
I don't always get what I want
I get what I need

I'm not sayin' that it's easy; Or that it doesn't hurt; When nothing seems to go my way;
Nothing seems to work; These days I'm getting better; At goin' with the flow;
Accepting that sometimes the answer; To a prayer is no;

'Cause I prayed for strength
And I got pain that made me strong
I prayed for courage
And got fear to overcome
When I prayed for faith
My empty heart brought me to my knees
I don't always get what I want
I get what I need

Every time I've had a door slammed in my face; In time a better one was opened in its place

I prayed for strength
And I got pain that made me strong
I prayed for courage
And got fear to overcome
When I prayed for faith
My empty heart brought me to my knees
I don't always get what I want
I get what I need

Oh I don't always get what I want
I get what I need.

 

This song has spoke to me many times, when Jason had to take a different route in school or when I had to start making more money and watching more kids, or when I lose someone close to me, or when I get sick. <---pretty sure that's why I am sick now anyways so I can have my family help me more and I let reins go a little bit more, or that terrible calling I had, or the wonderful calling I have now.  I will not always get what I want, but I will get what I need.  So, I guess, what I need to remember is that I shouldn't be critical of every little thing that is done around me, and not everything has to be perfect and I will learn and grow from it.  I am proud to say that I am broken, But "...God loves broken things..." 



(Jolene Eborn made this painting, isn't she just so talented?!?)

How many blessings do you have?

     I'm sitting here contemplating my blessings this evening.  A lot has come up recently and I thought I would share a little bit. 

     It's summer time, and as "tradition" has shown me in my job, that summer time has less monies coming in.  To this, the last 3 summers have been difficult for us.  Falling behind on bills, not having enough monies to go on a vacation like "normal" American's or even providing foods for the family at times.  We have NEVER gone hungry, thanks to many people that care about us.  Whether it was a person from church notifying someone to have us get a referral to the bishops storehouse or someone randomly dropping off potatoes or a friend saying they are making dinner for us or even a friend dropping off laundry soap(cuz we were out) so laundry could be done and payday wasn't for another week.  I understand that the Lord is trying to help other people out by having them serve us.  What I am trying to understand is when am I, a person that works 80 hours a week --> whether I can move or not is not in question, going to be able to actually accept help without feeling like a burden to others?

     What do we consider blessings?  A special message from a friend, following a prompting to check up on an individual, a home, transportation, electricity, a bed and clothing.  One blessing that sticks out in my mind is: (I really don't remember when, but I know it was in the summer), we didn't have any money for gas in the car, but I still had business as usual.  I needed to get gas for probably about a week.  I drove around town with the gas light on, completely on empty the entire time.  I was able to be paid (finally), and filled up my vehicle.  my vehicle holds 17 gallons of gasoline.  When I filled up, 19.1234 gallons were poured into my vehicle!  That is 2 gallons and some change OVER what my tank is SUPPOSE to hold.  I was so shocked I took a picture of that and sent it to a couple people. 

     The reason for this post is this:  I was again trying to figure our how I was going to pay all my bills, buy groceries and pay all the other necessities.  We sat down to dinner with 3 of the kids I care for and my family and we had a visitor shortly after beginning dinner.  The visitor was someone we knew well.  He randomly stops by, not very frequently though.  So when this visitor showed up, I was thinking something was wrong.  He asked us "Do you have room in your freezer?"  I Replied "oh yes".  <--- both freezers were completely empty.  The only thing in the one freezer was ice on the side of the freezer wall.  This person, MUST HAVE been prompted to come over.  He filled our freezer with approximately 250 pounds of ground beef!  Uhm, seriously!!!  He was shocked that our freezer was empty, and I simply replied, "Glad to know we can be poor at the right time!"  He chuckled, but its the truth.  Scrimping and saving has got to be the hardest thing we do around here. 

     So I began thinking about my blessings.  What are my blessings?  I can name most of them (there are a lot of blessings): Jason, Allyson, EmmaLei, My mother, my Father (yes, I just said that), bro #1, bro #2, my home and EVERYTHING in it, my vehicles and the gas to go in it, our successful business and ALL my friends/clients that go with it, we have air to breathe, I can see all that my Heavenly Father has made in nature and I can speak to others.  I have all my limbs and senses.  We are able to have the interwebs and other technologies.  I have friends and family that care about me and my well being. I have a phone to communicate with.  Everything I have is a blessing.

     Even though we have all these blessings I mentioned before, sometimes it is pretty easy to focus on the "wrongs" or trials in life, like- I have illnesses and diseases or even allergies, there isn't enough money for things I WANT, I don't like my neighbors (across the street ones), I get stressed easily and the list goes on and on. 

I think I may just write down my list of blessings.  This way I can look at them when I need a little pick me up, which will probably be a lot more often than I want. 

All I can say right now, is I am so grateful for those that listen to promptings.  My life has been blessed because of them.  As I mentioned before in my other post:  The Lord is mindful of our needs, wants and desires! All I know is I am a blessed person!