I have written something on here 3 times tonight trying to convey how I feel about things right now.  There is a lot of anger, hurt, fear, frustration, love, compassion, and generosity that has been recently shown to us, but still, the sinking feeling wont go away.  I feel like we are drowning a slow painful death.  not with any particular reason for this feeling.  its quite frustrating to feel like this.

Recently, at my grandmothers funeral it was shown that we don't matter.  We were just people that happened to be a funeral. Its such a depressing thought to know what had taken place there.

Jason has 2 jobs.  Thank heavens.  Maybe Christmas wont be so sparse this year.  maybe we can regain our once AMAZING credit report.  Maybe people will stop calling us for money.  Maybe I can answer my phone without having a panic attack.  Maybe our bills will be paid on time every month now.  I can not express how much burden this has lifted from me.  I no longer have to work 18 hour days everyday.  Its only once a week I work late.  every other day I am off at a decent hour.

I know that Satan is trying his damnedest to tear us apart.  He is working night and day on us.  Its really an eye opener as to what lengths he goes to for that. we have started to at least read the scriptures every night and pray as a family every night... and since we decided this, we have maybe done it 4 times in the last 3 weeks.  We are trying to do what is right but its still falling short of what needs to be done. I feel its a failure on our part. 

anyway, the things i want to say cant be said, and if they were said, it would just be jumble for everyone else. i know these trials are for a reason, but i want my life to be calm and happy and no more hardships.  <---hahahah, right?