We are not perfect people

Most days I feel I am an adequate mother.  I work 50-60 hours a week.  I provide food, clothing, love, discipline and friends for my children.  I work hard at my business, and I work hard at being a wife and mother, housekeeper, chef, chauffer, friend, upstanding citizen, member of our church. 

There are moments, however, that I feel so inadequate.  Those moments are when my kids put their hands over their ears for fear I will raise my voice.  I'm not a quiet person, so I tend to raise my voice more often than not.  I am just a loud person. I know this.   My kids know this.  However, when its more than just talking, my children know that, obviously.

I am given blessings and with those, I am always reassured that my children were sent to me for very specific reasons and I am the mother they need and they are the children I need. I feel like I am the most crappiest mother they could have and that they would learn what Heavenly Father wants them to know with some other mother.  I love my children to the ends of the earth... for eternity.   I am ever so grateful that they are mine.  I wouldn't trade anyone else's kids for more behaved children or more mild children. 

Tonight, we had friends over and EmmaLei and Allyson were allowed to stay up later than usual.  With this, I expected EmmaLei to have a difficult morning.  The difficultness we experienced happened this evening, when trying to keep my temper from exploding I ended up having to take her to her room and put her to bed while her friends were still here.  She came out screaming at me more than once.  It really bothers me when she yells at me like that.  I fight myself to not spank her when she does this. 

I understand there are difficult times when being a parent, and I understand that she wants to show her independence, but this was out of control.  I love my little girl so much, that I only want what is best for her and her sister.  I know that Heavenly Father knows what I can handle, and will push me to the limit of just barely breaking for my own good.

When situations like this evening arise, I feel like the worst mother on the face of the earth.  I have to be strict with her, otherwise she would run rampant through the streets.  I am only hoping that she ends up being a decent person.  I want her and Allyson to be upstanding citizens, productive members of society and to love Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ as much I do.  I only hope they grow to know how much I love them and how much they can really do in this world.  They are beautiful girls and have so much potential. 

Anyways, I had a real awful experience of being a mother this evening.  I love my girls and hope they know that.  I tell them daily that I love them.  I know I'm not perfect and there is always room for improvement!